*Listening to: “Holiness” by Sonicflood*
I wrote a couple days ago about having dinner with my godmom at the Elephant Bar…
Before I get into the life-changing conversation that we had, let me tell you a little bit about my godmom…
Her name is Rosemary, and she’s one of the sweetest women I have ever met. She wasn’t chosen by my parents to be my godmom, and we never had one of those official ceremonies where I wear a white dress and a bonnet and she declares her commitment to take care of me in the event that parents should face an untimely demise… but rather, the Lord just sort of put the two of us together about a year or two ago, and she has been such a tremendous blessing to my life.
We talk a lot about God and the Word, and where I am in my spiritual journey, and I just know that I can trust her, and that what we say never leaves her living room, or our booth at the restaurant, or wherever we happen to be – and you don’t find that very often.
I had a conversation with one of my friends from high school once, and he was asking me if I had a person in my life that held me accountable… and I realized that, outside of ministry accountability, I didn’t have anyone that I felt comfortable sharing the details of my struggles with (other the Jesus) and that bothered me. Eventually, the Lord showed me that Mom Rosie was that person, and that’s what she’s been to me ever since!
Mom Rosie has an incredible gift of discernment, and sometimes it’s just crazy how the Spirit of God in her just picks up on what’s going on with me… she uses it on me a lot… sometimes it drives me crazy, because I’m like, “how did she know that???“ But it works, so hey.
OK… BACK TO THE ELEPHANT BAR
So, Mom Rosie and I are sitting at the table, and she’s telling me something, and I’m telling her something, and we’re having what seems like a very generic conversation, when out of nowhere she looks at me and says,
“you haven’t completely sold out to God.”
WHAT?!?!??!
I wanted to scream right then and there! “What do you mean?! What more can I give?! I gave up my whole CAREER for Him! How DARE you!”
But I couldn’t even get mad, because I knew that she was absolutely right.
With all that I do for my church and my pastor
All my traveling, and conventions, and teaching opportunities
All my sacrifice, fasting, praying, devotion
My 6 am prayerline
My reputation for being a young-woman-doing-all-she-can-for-the-Lord…
There was a part of my heart and my mind that I was keeping for myself. A part of me that I had not yet surrendered… and for a couple months now, I have heard the Lord speaking, and felt Him tugging at my heart-strings to let Him have that part of me…
But I didn’t want to let go…
I didn’t think I could…
It was harmless, really… just a dream… something I wanted to have…
But when she said it…
I knew I had to lay that dream… that harmless dream…. at the foot of my Savior’s cross.
I had to commit it to Him…
So I did… I gave it to Him…
this isn’t the first time I’ve told myself to give up the dream… but it is the last.
It’s the last time because now I have the right perspective.
It’s not that I don’t have the right to have the dream… to have the desire… to long for it like I did…
But, if my true desire is to live totally and fully for the Lord, then I must give my WHOLE self… desires, dreams and all… lay them at His feet… and accept the fact that I may never get them back.
I’m not sad though… I don’t know all the details of what lies ahead of me. I’m not going to presume that, as I lay in bed each night, that I won’t feel anything about this decision… what I do know, is that I trust my King. He gave His all for me – the least I can do, is walk worthy of His sacrifice by giving my all right back.
I have decided to follow Jesus…
and eventually… my feelings will catch up with my decision.
